According to the Québec government’s 1995 Policy on Intervention in Conjugal Violence: Preventing, Detecting, Ending Conjugal Violence:
“Domestic violence is characterized by a series of repetitive acts, usually of increasing frequency and intensity. Specialists refer to this progression as the ‘cycle of violence’ (or sometimes ‘spiral of violence’). In the person committing the abuse, it proceeds according to a defined cycle, through successive phases marked by mounting tension, abuse, rationalization, reconciliation and a calm period. For the target, these phases correspond to fear, anger, a feeling of responsibility for the violence and, lastly, the hope that the situation will improve. It should be noted that not all of these phases are always present and they do not necessarily follow that order.
Domestic violence includes psychological, verbal, physical and sexual abuse as well as acts of financial domination. It is not the result of a loss of control, but is rather a means chosen to dominate another person and assert one’s power over that person. Domestic violence can be experienced in a marital, extra-marital or dating relationship, and at any age.”
Coercive control
Domestic violence manifests itself not only as a series of repeated, targeted acts, but also as invisible strategies like veiled threats, isolation, or restrictions by the abuser. This is known as coercive control.
Coercive control can involve different strategies:
Use of violence or threats to provoke or prevent a reaction in someone
Control designed to force obedience indirectly by depriving targets of essential resources and support networks, exploiting them, dictating their choices, and forcing them to behave a certain way by imposing rules on their everyday activities
These two strategies, which can coexist, enable one partner to impose power and control over the other, giving the victim the impression that there’s very little they can do.
Coercive control can also look like:
- Physical violence: beatings, forced or restricted sexual acts, confinement
- Intimidation and blackmail: threats to commit suicide or to leave with the children
- Harassment: timing activities, monitoring contacts, searching drawers or purses
- Humiliation: denigrating rituals, forcing someone to steal
- Isolation: threats or violence towards family members, being forbidden to call or visit, being forced to choose between the violent partner and the person’s own social circle, embarrassing behaviour at family gatherings, being forced to stay home
- Deprivation: of financial resources, medication, or medical care
- Exploitation: control of money or requirement to pay all expenses
- Rules: on how to dress, how to cook, how to take care of children
For more details, we invite you to read the (French) booklet produced by the Regroupement des maisons pour femmes victimes de violence conjugale: Ce n’est pas de l’amour… c’est du contrôle.
The cycle of domestic violence
Domestic violence is not a dynamic in which both partners take turns being abuser and victim. It’s a chain of coercive control strategies used to isolate, degrade, exploit, and dominate one of the two partners. The abuser creates an environment of permanent terror. That allows them to keep a permanent hold and make sure the other person doesn’t end the relationship. This is what we call the cycle of domestic violence.
Abuser cycle
Phase 1: Tension
Abuser: Angry outbursts, threatening glares, heavy silences
Phase 2: Aggression
Abuser: Abuses the other person verbally, psychologically, financially, physically, or sexually
Phase 3: Justification
Abuser: Finds excuses to justify their behaviour
Phase 4: Reconciliation
Abuser: Asks for forgiveness and talks about therapy or suicide
Source: cdn-contenu.quebec.ca
Victim cycle
Phase 1: Tension
Victim: Feels worried, tries to make things better, watches their actions and behaviours
Phase 2: Aggression
Victim: Feels humiliated, sad, and that the situation is unfair
Phase 3: Justification
Victim: Tries to understand explanations and help the abuser change, doubts own perceptions and feels responsible for the situation
Phase 4: Reconciliation
Victim: Gives the abuser a chance, helps them, sees their efforts, and changes their own habits
Normal fight or domestic violence?
It can be tricky to tell the difference between a normal fight and domestic violence. Here are some clues:
Normal fight
Domestic violence
Argument that may be fuelled by anger or conviction.
Intentional, strategic aggression, used to gain power over the other person.
Both people want to convince the other that they’re right. The argument stems from the subject itself.
One partner wants to win at all costs. The argument stems from a desire for control, not the subject itself.
Both people can speak and react freely. Neither partner fears the other.
The victim doesn’t feel free to speak their mind or react. There are consequences if they try to defend themselves.
The person who starts the fight has nothing to hide; they argue and explain their actions in the context of the fight.
The abuser doesn’t explain themselves; instead, they try to justify through denial, downplaying, or self-defence.
An argument is transparent. Either person can start it.
It’s always the same person starting the fights and the same person being subjected to them.
The relationship remains equal, even during conflict.
There’s a power imbalance and the relationship is unequal even outside of the fight.
Violence after separation
Often, the violence doesn’t end with the relationship. In many cases, it continues and intensifies, because abusers won’t easily accept that their target is leaving them. They’ll do anything to maintain their hold and control. Insults, threats, and surveillance sometimes become a daily occurrence.
- Maintaining control
- Convincing the victim not to leave the relationship
- Preventing the victim from exercising their rights
This is why people are often in the most danger when they leave an abusive partner. Canadian data shows that a large number of homicides occur during or after separation.
Here are a few articles and tests to find out more:
- Two tests to recognize violence in a relationship
- 8 tactics of psychological violence used by abusers in intimate relationships
- Questionnaire to explore experiences of domestic violence
- Technological self-defense guide for domestic violence
Text adapted and translated from Regroupement des maisons pour femmes victimes de violence conjugale (RMFVVC). Guide pratique à l’intention des employeurs, des syndicats et des employé.e.s. 2021.
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